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hogwartsexpressed2021-01-30 06:35 pm
1) I had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
2) Update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
3) I'm bleeding and have questions
4) The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock"
5) Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
1. Do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
2. But breakdance skills will only take you so far.
3. I've charmed it to make a foghorn sound when they use it. Now we wait.
4. 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off and eat a brownie.
5. I just had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
timenssecundus1. The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers. You should at least give back sixty of them.
2. We need to somehow leave discretely with the toilet brush.
3. I found my sweater, wallet, and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
4. eberyones makingfun of me cause ifound a snail caught him and put in a box fur yu
5. There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you I suppose.
lumenrelegandus1. I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore.
2. I was judged by a squirrel this morning.
3. We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
4. This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day.
5. I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
amaryllid1. If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
2. She started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. Starting to back out of this one.
3. I permit you to call me.
4. Just saw some workers running through their workplace with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
5. I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga… thing. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Whom do I kill.
tsingtauense1. She said "I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you." What do I say except "I have that effect on people"
2. I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the ridiculous ashes.
3. I'm self-actualising. Send help.
4. I think my Halloween costume this year will be a marshmallow. It'll be made entirely of pillows. I'll be comfortable, warm, and if I fall over, it's fine.
5. He's 11. You don't draw dicks on 11 year-olds. I don't care if he ate your lasagna.
riseheliacal1. ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face ? i have
2. i'm having a self conscious moment and i need your complete honest opinion of my boobs
3. i'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
4. this is james . youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some . sorry
5. i didn't think i'd have to specify 'not my dad'
1. I have cats now. Five of them. Am considering starting a global domination firm.
2. I wish that I had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a. I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking.
b. Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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